Cowardice
by FluentDisaster
Summary: What really happened the night Al rode the chasm? What thoughts went through his head as he took his last breath? Will he tell Tris how much she means to him?


Al's pov

"Tris im so sorry," I say quietly to her. She stands up from the table and takes a step away from me as she does. It kills me to know that the Tris I used to know would sit whilst I held her small, timid body in my arms just because she wanted a hug and now she cant even stand to be anywhere near me. "Stay away from me!" Tris shouts back at me. The room goes so quiet I can hear Molly's sniggers from 3 tables away. My eyes sting as I try to fight back the tears. " Tris I…" I quickly tried to reply but was interrupted by her voice, which was a lot quieter than before but I can tell by her eyes she wants to hurt me. Hurt me like I hurt her. "If you come near me again I will kill you." She says through gritted teeth. I can feel my tears beginning to pour over my bottom lid and I turn away and quickly jog away before anyone notices. Everyone is at dinner which means no one is in the initiate's dorm. I collapse onto my bed face first. As soon as my tear soaked face hits the flat pillow the sobbing comes uncontrollably. She hates me. "I cant hurt anyone else, I cant be alone here, I cant do this." I scream into my pillow. The door interrupts me as someone walks in. The footsteps come close to me getting louder and louder with each step. My heart starts racing, the footsteps are too heavy to be Tris's. Please don't be Four. The footsteps stop next to me and I heave myself up. I can tell I have been crying for a long time because the light stings my eyes as I open them. The first thing I see is Peters smug smile and folded arms. " Aw boo hoo, poor little Al begging for Tris's forgiveness in front of everyone after you tried to kill her." Peter says sarcastically. I can feel myself boiling up with rage. " You know you were meant to be her friend and you betrayed her. You helped me hold her over the chasm whilst Drew put his hands all over her small body. When everyone finds out what you did names wont be forcefully put next to yours on the fighting board, you will have a line of volunteers ready to beat the living shit out of you." "I never wanted to hurt her!" I scream at him and stand up. "You lied to me you said we was going to scare her not try and kill her! You are sick in the head! I tried to fight you off I tried as soon as I realised what you were doing!" I shove my fist into the wall behind him. His eyes widen and he slowly moves away from me cautious of my anger. "Get out! Just get the fuck out!" I shout as I step towards him breathing heavily. "Alright psycho calm down im going." Peter says holding his hands up. He opens the door and before shutting it loudly behind him he pauses. " Couldn't have done this without you babe," He snorts. I hear his laughing even with the door shut. Im pathetic. I was silly to even have a crush on her she would never love me, no one would. I don't deserve to pass Dauntless initiation. I even deserve to live. Im mean nothing to anyone. Peters right, I am a psycho. I thump my head with my fists trying to shut my mind out. I can't do this anymore. I have nothing to live for. How am I supposed to live my life with this weight on my shoulders? I ask myself but I already know the answer. Im not and I cant. I can't hide from my own mind and I cant change the things I have done but I can do one last thing for Tris. I quickly grab and pen and piece of paper from my draw and begin scribbling words onto the paper. The words form into a letter, a suicide letter, for Tris. When I am done the paper is soggy with tears. I read the letter aloud to myself:

"Tris,

Words cannot even begin to explain how sorry I am. How could I have done this to you? You're the girl I have had a crush on since the first time I seen you, the girl with the perfect smile and the brave heart. How could I ever have betrayed the one girl that meant the world and more to me? The one that never stopped believing in me. I deserve this for what I did to you. I did it out of fear, im dangerous, a threat to everyone. I promise I will never hurt you again. You wont ever have to see me and be scared. I promise Tris, I promise this is the last time you will have to speak to me. Im sorry Tris, I love you.

Your friend

Your old friend Al

I fold the paper up and place it under her pillow. "Good bye Tris," I whisper to myself and make my way to the chasm.

As I step over the cold, wet, metal bars that surround the chasms fierce waves my heart pounds so hard that I can feel it in my forehead. My whole body shakes with fear and my voice breaks as the sobs come again. I lean a little forward to look down below me. You can only just see the sharp rocks underneath the crashing water. I remind myself of my cowardice and of the cruel deed I have done as I close my swollen eyes and take in a deep breath. I let go of the rail so im balancing on the single, wet bar. Without thinking too much I fall forward off of the edge. Its true when they say your life flashes before your eyes. I see myself when I was little back in candor staring in awe at the dauntless kids jumping of the train. I see my mother dieing in my fathers arms of a disease. I see myself beating up Will on the first day of fighting but what hurts me the most is when I see myself picking up Tris and twirling her in my arms whilst she laughs and holds onto me. It feels so right. This is for you Tris, I think as I hit hard into the rocks. The Pain is sudden and excruciating. I See and feel everything and then nothing.


End file.
